It has become abundantly clear in the past few weeks that Bernie Sanders is not going to be our president come January 2017, and while he may not have accepted that yet, there is no doubt in anyone else’s mind. Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic Party’s Presidential Nominee, Bernie will throw a massive fit, but he’ll end up unemployed in a few years and look back fondly on the time when he was extremely popular among college students who have no idea how the real world works. In the meantime, those of us who are grounded in reality can’t help but imagine the career paths Bernie might meander down after he finally realizes that he’s never moving into the White House.

1. Socialist Spokesperson

Bernie’s done a great job advocating a system of government that has literally killed millions of people throughout history. When the White House doesn’t work out, the Socialist Party of America should hire him to be their spokesperson. He’s had 74 years of living in a great Democratic nation, but apparently that hasn’t convinced him yet. He could make a killing advocating for free things, though the paycheck probably wouldn’t keep coming for long.

2. Youth Activity Leader

Bernie has shown us in this election cycle that millennials love geriatrics. When he realizes that his campaign is doomed, he should continue his crusade to dupe the youth of our country and lead youth activities. Wouldn’t a Bernie Sanders-led summer camp be just splendid? Wouldn’t the millennials who Feel the Bern turn out in droves to get into shenanigans with their cult leader?

3. Free College Professor

Bernie Sanders and his Socialist followers love to talk about the promise of Free College that would await you, after you pay up several more thousand dollars in taxes every year. What would Bernie preach about from behind the lectern? Perhaps he should learn, and then teach, about the horrors of socialism in countries like Russia and Venezuela? Or economics? It seems like the only thing he is qualified to talk about is reaching millennial voters, so be sure to sign up for How to Lie to the World 106 this fall!

4. Lobbyist

What happens when a Congressman or Senator leaves their position and is looking for a job? They go through the revolving door of Washington and come out as a lobbyist, making far more money than they ever would have as a public servant. What will Bernie lobby for? Socialism? Free college? Healthcare that ends up killing more people than it helps? If he successfully argues for any of those, he’ll be out of a job before he knows it.

5. DNC Chairman

Bernie and his crew have shown a lot of contempt for sitting Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz during this election cycle, and I certainly wouldn’t be surprised to see Bernie or one of his proxies try and steal her seat from right out beneath her. With Bernie at the helm, the Democratic National Committee would slide even further to the Left and descend into even more chaos.

6. Clinton Punching Bag

Bernie has proven during this election cycle that he knows how to handle hits from Hillary. He’s taken everything she has thrown out him without publicly crying once. As Hillary heads into a tough November race against Donald Trump, she’s going to need to stay sharp and ready for attack. Bernie would be a perfect punching bag for her to bounce insults and threats off of as she prepares to face Donald Trump! He’s been doing it for months, so why not stay on the team?

7. Loss Consultant

Bernie’s a professional loser at this point in the election cycle, so a career as a loss consultant would be right up his ally. He could advise other failing clients on how to stick around and cause more trouble while creating divides in their party. Perhaps he could even advise them how to avoid crying in public when it becomes evident to every single person that you have no chance of winning. He’d be a perfect consultant for a client who knows they don’t have a chance but aren’t ready to give up just yet.

8. Professional Liar

More than anything, the presidential primaries have taught me that Bernie Sanders is a professional liar. He lies to every single one of his followers about the reality of socialism. He constantly makes unrealistic promises that, if they ever came true, would bring about massive bouts of poverty, tax increases, and death. He’s been lying to millennials this entire election cycle and once he finally calls it quits, it will be hard for him to give it up, so he might as well get paid for it.


Aryssa D
FFL Cabinet Member