Image Credits: AP Photo/John Minchillo
Dear Former Candidates,
On behalf of Republicans, I would like to say that we are sorry. We are sorry that we overlooked your quirky qualities, your conservative policies, and most of all, we’re sorry that we let you get away. The GOP now recognizes your worth – even if it’s too late. Please know that you have not been forgotten. In light of the election’s end in sight, and the idea that hindsight is 20/20, please accept our formal apologies.
1. To Ted Cruz, not only do we apologize for accusing you of being the zodiac killer – repeatedly, but we also apologize that despite being our last true hope, we still chose the latter. Just know that despite the outcome of the primaries, we are still thoroughly impressed by your dedication to your faith, your word, and to your filibusters. Your rendition of “Green Eggs and Ham” will forever be in our hearts and mind.
2. To Rand Paul, we thank you for being the original master of filibustering. Most of all, we’re thankful for your dedicated efforts to upholding the Constitution and our rights. There is no limit to the lengths you were willing to reach to save our freedoms. This includes physically saving the tax code in pieces to prove your point. We are sorry that most of us overlooked you. Many of us are are all still rooting for you, and for our Constitution.
3. To Marco Rubio, just know that many of our hearts broke as you gave your speech announcing your campaign suspension. Your supporters were so dedicated, and watching you go was hard for so many. We are sorry that despite the number of devoted supporters, we were unable to take you further in the race. Take comfort in knowing that you are young, and your potential is still great. You weren’t nicknamed Marco Ru(bae)o for no reason.
4. To John Kasich, we commend you greatly on your perseverance and applaud you for surviving until the final two. We apologize for not giving you the attention we gave the others, or that you might’ve deserved. We apologize that the majority of us neglected you before getting to know you, your policies, or your goals. Most of all, we apologize for making you face Trump one-on-one. Just know you put forward a valiant effort, and we respect your courage.
5. To Ben Carson, we apologize for the countless skits, jokes, quotes, and gifs that you had to endure because of this election cycle. We are sorry that instead of embracing your laid back personality and quirks, we mistook your differences for incapability. Wee recognize both your brilliance and your amazing contributions to the fields of science and medicine. We apologize for not recognizing your potential as a politician, and instead mocking you. While we admit the comedic content that came out of your campaign is still funny, we can only dream that you think the same.
6. To Jeb Bush, with a last name that comes with as much power as “Bush”, it was nearly impossible to avoid comparing you to your dad and brother. That being said, we apologize for the constant comparisons and viewing you as a JV member of the Bush team. We don’t blame you for trying to live up to the expectations of your big brother, and you put forth a great effort, kid. With your vast political resources, your potential could still be great.