This has got to be the least exciting primary I have ever witnessed, but I am enjoying the countless memes circling the internet. I have put together a list of candidates as songs for your listening pleasure. You’re welcome.
Michael Bennet: “Who Are You?” by The Who
“Who are you?” “I really want to know” “Tell me who are you?” But really, who is this guy?
Joe Biden: “Hands to Myself” by Selena Gomez
Needs no explanation. Stop touching people.
Cory Booker: “Stop and Stare” by OneRepublic
This is really an ode to the numerous pictures that circulate of Senator Booker’s angry stare.
Steve Bullock: “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds
“Will you recognize me? Call my name or walk on by” No, wouldn’t recognize you. Yes, would walk on by.
Pete Buttigieg: “Try” by Colbie Caillat
“You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to give it all away.” To give credit where credit is due, Mayor Pete is literally trying his best to stay relevant and not get lost in the “Warren” or “Bernie” of it all. I respect the hustle.
Julian Castro: “Try” by Hayden Panettiere
Another person struggling to stay relevant. I actually love this song and I’m donating it to this article as a sign of respect for how much low-hanging fruit Castro has gone for during his campaign and even siding with his brother’s doxxing of Trump donors.
John Delaney: “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” by Chicago
This is one of my favorite songs ever but the like “Does anybody really care?” really spoke to me when it comes to John Delaney. With all due respect, I have no clue who he is or why he is running. Didn’t even know the name “John Delaney” until I googled a list of candidates in alphabetical order for this article.
Tulsi Gabbard: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from The Wizard of Oz
Tulsi is the only ray of light in this campaign and probably the only real moderate. She is a little piece of sunshine in the absolute crap-storm that is the DNC right now.
Kirsten Gillibrand: “The Middle” by Zedd, Maren Morris, Grey
She isn’t in the middle politically, but in the rankings she is. I mean..she’s just your everyday Democrat running for president. She’s not up front, but we know her name. You’re welcome.
Kamala Harris: “I Knew You Were Trouble” by Taylor Swift
We all know Kamala wasn’t going to have an easy ride through this campaign. Her previous stances and criminal justice history isn’t a winning vibe and we knew this whole campaign was trouble.
John Hickenlooper: “Anything Could Happen” by Ellie Goulding
You got this, Hickenlooper. I don’t know you, I didn’t know your name until someone on Twitter shared something about you, but anything could happen. Keep dreaming, big guy.
Jay Inslee: “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt
I don’t know you so I don’t love you but I feel like this song just has that melodramatic feeling of wanting to be loved by people just don’t. (Drop out Jay.)
Amy Klobuchar: “Bridge over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel
I feel like the angel voices of Simon and Garfunkel shouldn’t be tainted by Amy Klobuchar, but it’s a fitting song. Amy is the metaphorical bridge over her very murky-watered past of anger and violence towards her employees. Yikes.
Wayne Messam: “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye
I literally have no clue who Wayne Messam is but my immediate thought while I continue to see names of people I have never heard of was “What’s going on?” therefore I bless you with the reminder that Marvin Gaye’s songs are the best.
Seth Moulton: “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande
He is only getting this song because I genuinely don’t know who he is. So…thanks but no thanks. NEXT.
Robert O’Rourke aka “Beto”: “Senorita” by Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes
This is to pay homage to him speaking Spanish at the Democratic Debate in an attempt to shock the world.
Tim Ryan: “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash
Go. Just go.
Bernie Sanders: “Gimme More” by Britney Spears
Once you get past the yelling and aggressive hand movements, you realize that socialism is the greediest movement of them all and has killed over 100 million people but ya know? “Gimme, gimme more.”
Joe Sestak: “Moonlight Sonata” by Ludwig van Beethoven
Another thing to put us to sleep at night.
Tom Steyer: “Count on Me” by Bruno Mars
We can count on Tom to focus on one thing and one thing only: impeaching Trump. It’s his only focus.
Elizabeth Warren: “So Yesterday” by Hillary Duff
I’m fifty shades of over Elizabeth Warren and I’m waiting for her to “yeet” herself out of this race, but until then, it’s our duty to remind her that her time is up and her time on the national stage as a potential candidate is “so yesterday.” She has got to stop trying to make fetch happen with all these youths.
Marianne Williamson: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” by The Beach Boys
I mean, bless the woman for showing up and really toughing it out in all of these debates. She really is trying and I feel like this could be a real “pick me up” for Marianne.
Andrew Yang: “Ticket to Ride” by The Beatles
The man is literally just coasting by to get along at this point.
Bill de Blasio: “I’m Awesome” by Spose