Welcome to a Democratic Halloween where the costumes are politically correct, the candy is sparse, and any enjoyment squandered. That’s right, I’m going to give you the guidelines as to how Halloween would be done if we played by Democrats rules. Let’s get started.

The Costumes

Due to the highly offensive nature of literally everything ever, we are going to create a system where no one gets offended. If you like your costume, you can keep your costume. Just kidding. Here is a list of acceptable costumes:

    • A cloud.

      • This is a great way to honor Democrats because they love to rain on everyone’s parade. Clouds are semi-offensive to solar panels but this too shall pass.

    • Vegetables.

      • Go vegan or go home, amirite?

    • Paper straw.

      • This is going to be a hit this year as the most talked about biodegradable tool in use right now!

    • Elizabeth Warren’s favorite drink.

      • “Ummm..do you want a beer?”

    • A table.

      • Beto’s favorite place to stand.

That’s it. You must not wear anything that might hurt someone’s feelings so no red hats, no headdresses, no honoring of other cultures, no scary costumes as to respect the dead, and no witches because that’s an insult to the ladies of the Salem Witch Trial who were the pioneers of a wonderful Taylor Swift bop. 

The Rules

Every fun holiday has rules, right? 

    1. “Trick or Treat” is so 2018 so this year we’re all saying “CANDY TAX NOW” because we don’t ask politely anymore.

    2. Any candy you receive must immediately be redistributed among the children who have less candy than those who have more. The entire bag must be dumped out and divided equally among only children with non-offensive costumes.

    3. With what candy you do receive, there is a parent tax. This means that parents will collect candy taxes in a bracket of 50%. The parents must throw all of that taxed candy away in memoriam of the money we throw away in the budget.

    4. And because we’re so fun and lively here, trick or treating will begin at 6pm and ends approximately at 7pm. Those found trick or treating past this time will be ordered to meet with Kamala Harris in order to receive their punishment. P.s. – there is ALWAYS a punishment.

The Candy

The following candies are not allowed:

    • “100 Grand” because no one should be making more than that

    • “Baby Ruth” because it promotes a pro-life agenda

    • “Warheads” because they promote war

    • “Life Savers” disrespect our push for universal healthcare

    • “Nerds” because we don’t believe in bullying

    • “Sno Caps” because then we aren’t taking global warming as seriously

    • “Sugar Daddy’s” because women don’t need men

    • “Candy corn” because it’s cultural appropriation towards Native Americans

    • “3 Musketeers” because it’s sexist

Happy Democratic Halloween!

Caroline C.
FFL Cabinet Member
Follow Caroline on Twitter!