2018 has been a long year, and it’s not even halfway over. The news cycle is constantly turning over, and headlines are absolutely non-stop. That said, there have been some extremely bizarre reports both on television and in print that almost sound as if they were put together with some form of the Mad Libs algorithm.

 

CNN: Is Trump Afraid of Stairs?

Yes, you read that correctly. Live on air, CNN reporters asked if the President of the United States is afraid of stairs. Interesting.

 

The Hill: Parkland student appeals to Melania Trump: We’re Being Cyberbullied by Laura Ingraham

As it was described on Twitter, this headline is true 2018 in the most unfortunate of ways.

 

AP: A woman whose affair with a Pennsylvania congressman led to his resignation – and who’s pursuing her own run for the U.S. House – accused of threatening to kill her husband.

I’m sorry. She did what and is doing what?

The Washington Post: Official who improperly helped Redskins owner cut down trees picked as National Park Service deputy director

There’s just a lot here, and not much to say about it.

 

AP NFL: New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft visits Meek Mill in prison, calls for criminal justice reform

Seems like an odd, but possibly productive combination.

 

KTLA: Florida Men — 1 Disguised in Bull Costume – Allegedly Tried to Burn Down Ex-Boyfriend’s Home With Spaghetti Sauce

Obviously arson is a serious crime, but I can’t think of a less serious headline to describe it.

 

The Cut: Former Disney child star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team

If nothing else, you really have respect the drastic change in career exhibited here.

 

CNN: A self-styled sex coach who claims to have insider knowledge of Moscow’s attempts to meddle in the US election has been charged with prostitution in Thailand

This story definitely seems to have some implications in U.S. politics, but I can’t imagine a weirder combination of narratives coming together.

Pret-a-Reporter: Marc Jacobs proposed to candlemaker beau with a flash mob at Chipotle

I think we’re all happy for Marc Jacobs, but I certainly hope his official engagement announcement was a bit more romantic than this headline

 

Law 360: Former drummer for punk band The Offspring (now a certified OBGYN) gives potential juror CPR, causing mistrial in medical malpractice case

All’s well that ends well, I guess.

 

The Hill: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: “Roseanne” is the most anti-Trump show on television

There’s just an odd combination of people mashed up in this headline.

 

Forbes: Why Jeff Sessions May Control The Fate Of Wu-Tang’s Secret Album

I’m not even sure how this even made the news, honestly.

 

KFOR: Millennials replacing engagement rings with diamonds embedded in their fingers

Please raise your hand if you’re a Millennial and there’s no engagement diamond embedded in your finger.

The Independent: Girl who put her pet fox on a vegan diet criticized after worrying Instagram post

For starters, foxes are not vegan animals, but this is such an odd storyline to follow in general.

 

TIME: Stormy Daniels’ lawyer owns a coffee chain that just ran out of coffee

First of all, running out of coffee should be a punishable crime.

 

Bizarre headlines are good entertainment, but we should also remember that these news outlets are supposed to be keeping us informed about actually important current events.

Karly M.
CABINET MEMBER
Karly Matthews is a student at Temple University, where she is majoring in political science and journalism while minoring in Spanish. At any given moment, Karly can be found talking about Marco Rubio and advocating for conservative values with a large coffee mug and color-coded planner in hand.

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