A week into my freshman year of college, my life changed. A boy I had met during the summer at a school related function sexually assaulted me a month and a half later. Three times. You can read more about my story here. Here is 10 things I wish I could tell him.

  1. I wish you knew what it was like to be so afraid of getting physically hurt so you just learn to comply with things. With being held down, unable to fight back, or so I believed. I should have fought back.

  2. I wish you knew how it feels like you are being gawked at like prey everyday. Everywhere you go, no matter if you are dressed up nice or in sweats, I feel like I’m being look at as prey even just walking across the crosswalk.  That is because of you.

  3. I wish you could feel the fear I feel while walking anywhere alone, especially at night. The anxiety making you run even the shortest distance from the front door of your residence hall to your dorm room, rushing to get the key in so you can lock it back once inside. Or maybe how I always have my finger on my key and 911 dialed while walking anywhere alone.

  4. I wish you knew what it was like to stay no and get ignored. Because I said no multiple times. No doesn’t mean keep trying, pretend you didn’t hear me, or lie to yourself and make yourself believe I said yes. Unless someone actually says yes, there is no “yes” guaranteed.

  5. I wish you knew how much it hurt me physically and made me fear intimacy with anyone. My boyfriend who has done nothing harmful to me ever has to deal with the aftermath of what you’ve caused.  My fear of men, me always wincing when my boyfriend moves because I’m scared to be grabbed or hit, my breakdowns where he has to hold me crying because something small triggered a PTSD episode.

  6. I wish you knew what it is like to have PTSD and nightmares a year and a half later. I haven’t been able to sleep all week. Every dream has had you in it and then other people in my dreams start to act like you. I am unable to get away from it.  

  7. I wish you knew what it was like to have to change your plans, your routine, and your location just to avoid someone. I feel like I have to say no to on campus events because you could be there or how I have to learn to go a different route to avoid you.

  8. I wish you could be able to feel what I feel, the physiological daily torture and exhaustion just to keep going. I have depression, anxiety, panic, PTSD, and chronic fatigue. I cannot begin to recall all the times my body has taken a beating from myself because I felt so disgusting I didn’t want to live.

  9. I wish you knew how much money I have had to spend on therapy and medication since the incident. As well as dealing with side effects.  I don’t want to feel like this.  

  10. I wish you wouldn’t have gotten away with it.